Can I have your name and address please?

Terrorism has our whole nation a little on edge, a little freaked out, right? If you received a bomb threat, would you know how to react? Would you become flustered? Well, to help us out here at work, a few months back they (the administration? the Illuminati? Improv Everywhere?) distributed these little yellow cards to all of us drones in Sector 7G and beyond. I really should scan one in so the world could see the brilliance of these cards, but I’ll just describe it and you can draw your own conclusions and witty commentary. The card reads (any typos, grammatical errors, etc. are verbatim from the card):

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BOMB THREAT

Place this card under your telephone

Questions to ask:

1. When is bomb going to explode?

2. Where is it right now?

3. What does it look like?

4. What kind of bomb is it?

5. What will cause it to explode?

6. Did you place the bomb>

7. Why?

8. What is your address?

9. What is your name?

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Then the card goes on to ask that you note down the sex, race and age of the terrorist. Remember, this is over the phone. They’re a terrorist. You’re supposed to note the race and age. Over the phone. Of the terrorist. After you asked for their name and address.

On the back of the card you’re asked to assign the call a list of voices (“Deep Breathing”, “Normal”, etc.), background sounds (“Long distance”, “Animal”) and language (“Foul”). Oh by the way, “if voice is familiar, who did it sound like?”

I’m not making this up. I hope I never get a bomb threat just so I don’t have to ask these questions. “Uh, so Mr. Bomb Threat Guy, can I have your name and address? And is that a hippopotamus I hear in the background?”