What’s the point?
I like watching football with Pat. I like snowboarding, but love it when I do it with someone else. Work is ok, but I like it most when I am learning new stuff. I love being around women. Dinner parties with friends are great. I love watching my boys in their activities. I enjoy church. French fries. My college guys still intrigue me. Music is ok. I don’t like podcasts. Friday Night Lights, man. I look forward to Netflix with Jessica on cold winter nights. Cuddling the family dog is not something I do a lot, but is very relaxing. You can’t pet a loved dog and not feel loved back. I miss being in awesome shape. The trip home from travel affects me, then dies. I’d rather go out to eat than cook. I get immensely sad when I see old pictures of my boys.
But that is lessening. Now I’m more grateful that we got to experience those times together. When I think about my life, it’s like different lives of different people. I don’t know who that child is that I remember myself being. Where did he go? And the college boy in love with his friend, who is he? Memories of my boys and I think, one day it will be, “He was a Dad once.” So fleeting. It doesn’t seem like me. What does it all mean? People, relationships? Things I enjoy, kayaking, fishing, basketball, only seem fulfilling when someone else is there. That’s not entirely true, I enjoy shooting baskets solo, and the peace of a kayak on Lake Pagosa in the morning is worth something. Snowshoeing in the silence, too.
Someday I won’t be here, or will be somewhere else, and what then? Will any of this matter? It matters now, to me, will it matter to them, to you? Does it matter if it doesn’t?
I don’t have any answers. As I get older, I want to spend time with people. Usually, before, people, ugh. But now, I think they’re all that matter. And maybe creativity, expression. But if there’s no one to share those with, they are less. So people. But my nature fights it, the need for people. A struggle, really. Unfortunate for those close to me. I will try, do try, to do better.
